Ding, Dong, the Decade is Dead. Long Live the Decade!

Hello again… If you follow this ghost blog of mine, you already know it has been some time since I last posted. This is largely due to a significantly busier social schedule, other creative outlets taking up my time, and the acute case of writer’s block. Oh, and the inevitable lack of motivation to talk about myself.  However, I’ve wanted to catch everyone (which means basically no one except those who randomly stumble across this post) up on what has been happening in my life. And since one of the largest obstacles I’ve had to writing lately is the framework, I decided to borrow a recent social media trend to do a year-by-year review of the last decade, and wrap up with a look ahead to this new year and the new decade.

 

Year 2010: The Emergence

2010 was the year I put off adulthood in favor of the easy choice. This was the year I graduated from IWU with a double major in History and Social Studies (mild emphasize on education, if you’ve followed my story you know some of the context there). This was the year I avoided taking responsibility for my life and decided going to graduate school was my best course of action. And it wasn’t, but that didn’t become truly apparent until the next year. Upon moving up from undergrad to graduate studies, I moved away from all social and spiritual connections had previously had, becoming isolated in my dingy, cigarette smoke ridden, apartment and losing touch with my faith. The second half of the year is when I truly capitulated to addictions and began to lose sight of any hope for the future. This year ended on a very bleak and miserable trip home for the holidays, only to return to my self-indulgent independent spiral of self-destruction.

 

Year 2011: The Collapse

2011, as stated in the end of the previous year, found me in a very dark and isolated place. I lived alone, barely managed to make it to class most weeks, and couldn’t motivate myself to get out of bed most days to make it to my part-time job on campus. I was depressed, trapped in addictions, and separated for any form of security I had known in my past. The stress and depression of this lifestyle pushed me towards suicidal thoughts and extreme anxiety, eventually leading me to drop out of graduate school with about a month left in my second semester and making plans to move back home. In some ways, this move back to a place of security saved my life, but in other ways it lead a rending exposure of my darkest secrets and hidden vices. After moving home with my parents, I got a part-time job and began to consider returning to school for my teacher’s license. However, that door was closed at the last minute (in hindsight this was an act of God preventing me from chasing something I was not ready, or mature enough, to obtain) and I was forced to look elsewhere for the direction of my life. During the tail end of this year I also kindled a friendship, and almost romance, with an acquaintance I had met back in college and happened to reconnect with through social media, but in my bumbling, socially awkward way managed to step on her toes (not really physically, but mentally and emotionally) leading to some heartbreak and further depression.

 

Year 2012: Insuring Intent and the Anderson Adventure

2012 was an interesting year. On one hand, it was my first true foray into taking responsibility for myself as an adult, but on the other hand I still maintained many of my bad habits and continued to hide my problems behind thinly veiled excuses and personal space. This year opened with me receiving an offer from an insurance company to be their representative in the Anderson, IN area and resulted in me haphazardly spending a few weeks studying for, and failing multiple times, my insurance licensure tests. However, when a hard deadline was before me, I put on my big boy pants and passed the necessary tests to begin said job in March of this year. However, before I reached that milestone, I had to confront some deep spiritual issues and demonic strongholds in my life due to my neglect of my faith and harmful addictions. Thankfully I was able to meet a few times with a solid spiritual counselor and broke much of that oppression and bondage before I ventured out on my own. Then I moved down to Anderson, rooming with my older brother and an acquaintance of his from college, and beginning to learn my responsibilities as a full-fledged member of the workforce. All in all,  I was not well-trained for this job and after several months felt like I had been conned into a job that looked nothing like the one I thought I had been hired for. Plus the company I was working for at the time was rife with scandal at many levels and gave little stability to an individual already lacking in confidence. Another side effect of this year was a fusion of independence and salary with a continuation of bad habits and addictions with the addition of a couple more. By the end of this year, I had left the insurance company and was scraping by on part-time jobs just to pay rent on a small “backroom” apartment for myself. Thankfully I received another job offer to train as an agent for another insurance company that would bring me back to familiar stomping ground and I leapt at the opportunity before the year’s end, and moved back “home” to the Warsaw area.

 

Year 2013: Deliverance, Discovery, and Depth

2013 found me back in Warsaw, training for a new job and reconnecting to a level of community I hadn’t truly had since high school. I got truly connected to a church (the same one I still attend today, thank the Lord!) and reconnected with some old friends from my high school and college days. I also moved in with a (second) cousin in his newly purchased house, which enabled our friendship to grow in leaps and bounds. However, these growths did not happen immediately, no the first few months consisted mostly of traveling to Chicago for training sessions or spending all my free time in my bedroom, effectively having no social presence and living the life of a hermit. However, by that summer I had left the training position with the insurance company, deciding that career path truly wasn’t for me and went back to work part-time at a gas station. It was also during this time I made my first tentative steps into the world of online dating, and managed to fudge that up pretty badly the first couple times around. However, the fall of 2013 was the first year I stepped into a role as a soccer coach for my former middle school, and I loved it immensely. I was also working 2 part-time jobs at this point and trying to become more involved at my church, thus removing myself from the shell of my hermitage and pushing the boundaries of my social abilities. This was also the first year I pursued my love of soccer in yet another way, by getting my referee license for the next year. All things considered, 2013 was the first year I could look back at myself and see something vaguely resembling a contributing, functioning member of society.

 

Year 2014: The Nightwalker and the Knowledge Thief

2014 began with a bit of a rocky start, as I was scraping by on a part-time job while searching for something a little more permanent. Thankful, I found a job at the local Christian college (the same one my father teaches at) as a overnight custodian tending to the academic buildings. This flip in schedule, now working thirds, was a bit of an adjustment, but also provided many new opportunities. First, I was finally in a job that granted me almost full autonomy, as long as I kept my buildings in good shape. Second, I discovered podcasts. This is a rabbit hole I did not take long to completely fall through, and have yet to re-emerge. If you are not already aware, I am a knowledge sponge, a dragon hoarding details, a facts fanatic. On top of this newfound avenue to discover worlds of new information and entertaining possibilities, I also began to dig into the world of personality theory, largely because I had yet to reach a full understanding of myself and how I interact with the world around me. From my own perspective, I was a nerdy athlete who was incredibly awkward in social situations and couldn’t verbalize my emotions or feeling to others, and I hated myself for it. I couldn’t understand why God didn’t make me more socially competent or emotionally expressive, and so I turned to personality theory to begin to paint in those numbers. During this year I also coached for a second year, began to officiate travel and recreational soccer leagues, and made some connections through a young adults group at my church. I was still attempting the whole online dating thing, but faced many of the same shortcomings and disappointments as before.

 

(Deep breath, as we are halfway there!)

 

Year 2015: The Opening of a Door, and Devastation of the Heart

2015 actually didn’t start that well for me, considering. I had been dating this pretty swell young lady for a couple months, but through a lack of leadership and mixed signals, she decided to pull the plug on any future romance. This (albeit minor) heartbreak lead me to reconsider my priorities and look back into returning to school for my teaching certification. This time everything went so smooth it was most certainly a God thing, opening a door now that He had previously shut rather hard. I was continuing my involvement at church, now joining a couple of small groups/studies, and volunteering in the facilities team and children’s ministry. I began playing soccer in a summer adult league, on top of coaching and reffing. However this summer as proved to be the source of a major pitfall in my emotional and spiritual development. It was this year I met someone (again through online dating) who I connected with immediately on an emotional level in a way I have almost never been able to, and yet this relationship proved to be the most toxic one I have ever been in. Simply put, I came out of this relationship with trauma that still haunts me today. This was also a time when, despite all my involvement in my church and social events, old addictions began to beat at my door, threatening a collapse of my internal order. Yet that summer I began my online studies to become a teacher, injecting some much needed structure into my life and staving off the advance of mental exhaustion and spiritual degradation.

 

Year 2016: Social Expansion, Spiritual Searching

2016 was a year of new beginnings. Between rekindling friendships, joining a new post-grad group started through my church, finishing my teaching certification, and leaving my full-time job at the college, I stayed busy. I temporarily set aside any romantic pursuits to better establish my friendships with those around me, as I made many new friends through my church and soccer community. I spent much of my free time working on assignments for my online classes, binge watching Netflix, watching soccer with my roommate, or hanging out with friends. If I had to pick a year when I stepped into my social potential, it was 2016. Having spent a couple years exploring the many sides of personality theory, I now felt more confident in how I presented myself to others and better at understanding why they might react to my idiosyncrasies the way they did. It was also during this time I discovered a new area of research: theology and apologetics. With what started in an interested in Reformed theology and the teachings of the original Reformers (like Luther, Calvin, Zwingli, etc) developed into the studying of Augustine (to name an ancient apologist), Sproul, Keller, Craig, and Lewis. Throughout this year, I began to frame my own personal faith and really leaning into Biblical teaching, putting all things to the test alongside Scripture. I finished out this year by completing my student teaching and clearing the final hurdle to getting my teaching certification in Secondary Historical Perspectives.

 

Year 2017: Temping, Tempering, and Tempting

2017, if I’m really honest, was a rather chaotic year. I had finished my online program and received my teaching certification at the beginning of this year, and wallowed through the difficult waters of being a substitute teacher for the spring semester. The post-grad group I was participating in was going through changes in leadership and membership, and I lost my roommate of the past few years as he moved down to Texas to pursue a Master’s in the worship arts. So I found new lodgings, with a roommate who was a rather decent fellow, except he often had lady visitors overnight and, well, his bedroom was directly below mine and sound traveled through the floorboards pretty well. That summer I applied for numerous full-time teaching positions, armed with a confidence of a few temporary long-term substitute teaching jobs and a passion for education. However, I did not receive any offers and ended up sticking with my summer job working third shift as an inspector at a local orthopedic manufacturer. However, this job provided a firm financial foundation and I was able to begin putting money away. I also had decided to take the year off from coaching, though I continued to play and referee soccer. And finally, this year also marked my 30th birthday and, despite a grand plan to celebrate with many of my family and friends, I settled for a simple pat on the back and home-cooked meal at my parents.

 

Year 2018: Fast Times of the Heart and the Head

2018 brought pleasant surprises, bitter sacrifices, and bountiful sadness. In the early months of the year I was swept up in a whirlwind romance with a young lady I met through my church group, someone I legitimately had begun to plan to marry one day. Yet the darkness of my past and the overwhelming speed of our romance seemed to be too much for her fragile and immature heart, and she unceremoniously broke up with me merely months after we began dating. I was crushed, and everyone around me knew it. Taking this pain, I channeled it into self-advancement and began to make earnest steps towards purchasing a place of my own. Through yet another set of “God moments”, I ended up buying a house from a relative and moved in over that summer. Less than 6 weeks later, I was offered a long-term substitute position filling a teacher vacancy at a local middle school teaching social studies, and I leapt at the opportunity. That year of teaching, though it had its rocky moments, disappointments, and difficult conversations, was the most enjoyment I have found in a job as I ever have had as an adult. During this year, I returned to coaching for the middle school, and did not enjoy it much at all. After that season, I pulled the curtain on coaching and decided to focus my soccer related efforts into being a referee and more involved in the leadership for the local rec league.

 

Year 2019: A Tale of Two Years

2019 almost felt like two separate years, divided quite neatly by the summer months. The year began with me still teaching social studies, and feeling rather confident. I even managed to get 1st and 3rd in the school’s March Madness competition (and anyone who knows me knows I love my March Madness almost as much as my soccer). I had a couple of solid guys staying with me and my small group was holding steady. However, this all changed drastically over the summer. At the end of the school year, I was not hired on full-time and the school gave the position to a new candidate. I was distraught by this turn of events, as I felt I was a very knowledgeable and enthusiastic teacher. I took much of the summer off, focusing my attention into job interviews and planning a D&D 5e campaign I was going to run with some friends from my small group. Looking back, this creative outlet as a major saving grace in distracting me from the depression of not being able to continue teaching in the role I had enjoyed so much. By the end of the summer, however, I found my finances stretched thin and work opportunities less than ideal. I lost both of my roommates and didn’t have much luck finding quality renters to replace them. I finally managed to get a temp job at the same orthopedic company as in the past, but in a different area. On top of all this turmoil, I also stepped into a leadership role for the post-grad group. This group was going through some distinct growing pains, as the group began to feature 30+ attendees each week and as social groups reach larger sizes, the amount of drama and tension builds as well. Much of my time over the past few months as a leader has been attempting to maintain a calm and discerning mind in order to offer advice and push for Biblical solutions to many of these problems. Sadly, the end of this year has also brought some goodbyes, a shifting of priorities, and a consistent lack of sleep. To say that I wish I could combine the energy and stability of the first half of the year with the creativity and social possibilities of the second half to create the ideal year throughout is shooting for the moon. Needless to say, I survived another year, and have achieved at least 33-40% of my peak leveling capability.

 

 

Although I know I could have been a lot more thorough with each year’s summary, I feel if one reads back through my posts, some of the years speak better for themselves through those words. And since I am, as I almost always have been lately, very tired, I must retire to my bed and hope sleep wraps me in a lingering embrace. Good night, dear readers, and Happy New Year!

 

 

S.D.G.

Anticipating the World Cup, and Group Stage Predictions

I AM HYPED!!!!

Like, really 🙂 The Men’s World Cup, taking place in Russia this year, is nearly a month away. And as the spring season of local soccer is wrapping up (and European soccer is drawing to a close), my passionate focus on the beautiful game can turn to the international competition at its highest level. And while the USMNT crashed and burned in CONCACAF qualifiers, I still have high hopes for some amazing team play and golazos. And so in anticipation for this tournament, I’m going to do a little breakdown of each group and make a prediction on who is gonna advance to the knockout stages. For those who are not familiar with traditional soccer tournament scoring for group stages, a win is worth 3 points, a tie is 1 pt for each team, and loss is 0 pts. A tie in points at the end of group stages is decided by goal differential.

 

GROUP A:  Egypt, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Uruguay

Arguably Russia, as the tournament hosts, got an “easy” group. However, I don’t actually think Russia is that good, and so having less skilled teams in their group doesn’t actually mean they have a guaranteed ticket to the knockout rounds. Uruguay has definite talent up top (ie- the vampire Luis Suarez and the speedy Edinson Cavani) and finished second behind a red hot Brazil in CONMEBOL qualifying. Egypt, riding the prolific finishing of Mo Salah (of Liverpool FC and the likely EPL Golden Boot winner for this season), is going to test many a defense. Saudi Arabia, unfortunately, is probably going to leak goals and be this group’s punch bag.

Prediction: Uruguay (7 pts), Egypt (7 pts), Russia (3 pts), Saudi Arabia (0 pts)

 

GROUP B: Iran, Morocco, Portugal, Spain

Clearly a group dominated by European powerhouses, the only real question is who comes out on top. Ronaldo might be looking at his last real chance at international greatness, having already won 2016 Euros with Portugal, but when I look at the Spanish squad, I see one of the most dangerous midfield and forward lineups in the tournament. I really don’t have much to say about Iran and Morocco, though I could see either European side getting complacent and letting a goal in, which could decide whether Spain sweeps the group or Portugal actually makes it out.

Prediction: Spain (9 pts), Portugal (6 pts), Iran (1 pt), Morocco (1 pt)

 

GROUP C: Australia, Denmark, France, Peru

This is one of a couple groups that have a clear favorite (in my mind) to come out in first, but the battle for second place could be bloodbath. France, I feel, has the talent to easily notch a few goals per game and clear the group with three wins. Australia barely qualified and has struggled internationally since the last world cup. Peru is a similar story, but they showed grit and has the endurance to win points in close matches. Denmark is a young European squad, with talent like Christian Eriksen in midfield and Kasper Schmeichel in goal, might even give France a good fight if they stay on top of their game.

Prediction: France (7 pts), Denmark (5 pts), Peru (2 pts), Australia (1 pt)

 

GROUP D: Argentina, Croatia, Iceland, Nigeria

This group is one I definitely will be watching, as it could be one of the most competitive. Not only does it feature arguably the greatest player the world has ever seen (Lionel Messi, if anyone had doubts who I was talking about), but it features two European teams who had strong showings in the 2016 European Championship. And who doesn’t love Iceland? Like, how can you not root for a team who comes from a country of ~300,000 yet goes toe to toe with European giants like England, France, and Portugal. Croatia has a star-studded midfield and can threaten any goalie into making some spectacular saves, or otherwise drop points. And let’s not forget about Nigeria. Consistently a strong team coming out of Africa, I expect a physical and fast style that could potentially steamroll the more technical styles of Argentina and the European squads.

Predictions: Argentina (7 pts), Croatia (5 pts), Iceland (3 pts), Nigeria (1 pts)

 

GROUP E: Brazil, Costa Rica, Serbia, Switzerland

This is definitely Brazil’s group to lose, considering the talent they are bringing. As some might remember, Brazil completely embarrassed themselves the last time around as the hosts losing to Germany in the semi-finals by several goals. That squad was arguably an old guard of Brazilian football, this squad is much younger and way flashier. With Neymar leading the charge on offense, I expect them to make a deep run into the tournament. But the teams they face aren’t going down quietly. Costa Rica featured solid play in CONCACAF qualifying and has enough talent to pick up pts against any of their opponents. Serbia fills a rather weird place in this group and in my mind could play spoiler for who advances in 2nd place. Switzerland has some big name players, but many of said players are coming off poor seasons with their domestic clubs, which could affect their ability to play in the World Cup.

Predictions: Brazil (9 pts), Costa Rica (4 pts), Switzerland (4 pts), Serbia (0 pts)

 

GROUP F: Germany, Korean Republic, Mexico, Sweden

Many would call this the “group of death” for this tournament, which I would agree with if you consider it a two man fight. And if one considers Germany to be a favorite going in to win it all (coming off the last World Cup as victors and fielding many of the same players) as well as a Mexico team that is possibly at its strongest in years (2017 Confederations Cup participants and looking to avenge their loss to Germany there), there will be fireworks. Sweden qualified out of Europe without Zlatan Ibrahimovic and dares to brave the competition without the man, the myth, the legend. Korea generally competes, but I don’t see them having much success against this group.

Prediction: Mexico (7 pts), Germany (7 pts), Sweden (3 pts), Korea (0 pts)

 

GROUP G: Belgium, England, Panama, Tunisia

Another interesting group (arguably the true “group of death”), which features a CONCACAF surprise contender in Panama, a serial under-performer in England, and a rising dark horse in Belgium. Tunisia, despite being 14 in the FIFA World ranking, is probably way out of its league in the group and will be lucky to pick up any pts here. I feel Panama will carry their momentum from CONCACAF and give the European teams a run for their money. Belgium, with talent all across the board, should make a strong showing, and could push out some solid teams in the knockout stages. England “should” be playing with a massive chip on their shoulder and features many rising stars, with some veterans to provide backbone, and may actually not choke and bow out in unseemly fashion this time around.

Predictions: Belgium (5 pts), England (5 pts), Panama (5 pts), Tunisia (0 pts)

 

GROUP H: Colombia, Japan, Poland, Senegal

The final group and one featuring another set of potentially interesting match-ups. Colombia features last World Cup’s Golden Boot winner James Rodriguez while Poland boasts Bundesliga’s prolific giant Robert Lewandowski. Japan has always been a team to watch but is often hit or miss in international competition. Senegal happens to be the second highest ranked African nation and could bring a brutal, physical style that’ll wear down their opponents. This group could be very close, or completely lopsided. I feel it’ll probably the later, being the finishing quality of Rodriguez and Lewandowski.

Predictions: Colombia (9 pts), Poland (6 pts), Japan (1 pt), Senegal (1 pt)

 

Biggest Losers: Chile, Italy, Netherlands, United States

*Sob* There are no words to mourn the lack of these teams in this world cup, but honestly they all under-performed in their respective qualifying and got beat out by much less talented squads. It might be irreverent for these teams to play a mini-tournament between themselves this summer, but it’s one that would still feature a lot of great talent and one I would definitely want to check out.

 

So there you have it, my predictions for the 2018 Men’s World Cup. Drop a comment if you disagree with any of my group rankings, or even just to argue if Lionel Messi isn’t actually the GOAT (which he is, his all-around game is just otherworldly). Once the group stages are over, I plan on making another set of predictions (with scores this time!) for the knockout stages, and predict the overall winner of the tournament. And boy, I can’t wait for some great soccer!

 

 

S.D.G.

Life Through the Lens of a Decade

As it has been my habit for the past few years, the time has come for my year end/birthday reflection post. And since this year happens to be the beginning of a new decade of my life (I’m turning 30, if you weren’t aware), I thought I should look back at each of the previous decades of my life and highlight the primary lesson or focus from each. Let me preface that I have no idea how rambling or full of rabbit trails this might get, so continue at your own risk 😉

 

First Decade: Learning

One of my first lasting memories was of desiring to know. Tasting this, grabbing that, smelling this; I had to find out more. It’s not uncommon for parents to claim their child was inquisitive but I didn’t just want to know “why” but I needed to know “how”. And it didn’t take me long to figure out that I could learn much faster on my own than asking someone else. So I read and read and read. And learned. But it wasn’t just reading. I built and played and created. Legos were also a key part of my growth. My brothers and I would create elaborate castles and towns and ships, each with its own narrative. Creating stories was just as important to me as reading them. I think that’s part of why I write today, it’s how I learned to create. But back to reading. I gobbled up everything I could get my hands on, and then some. I started reading harder and harder books, with bigger words and higher difficulty. By the time I passed into the second decade of my life, I was reading at least four grade levels above my age. I’m not trying to brag too much, but I was reading at a college level by junior high. Needless to say, reading was how I learned to feed my appetite for information. And I had to use this knowledge to create an identity that allowed me to make sense of a world that didn’t really understand me.

 

Second Decade: Soccer

If anyone close to me was asked what my favorite sport was, I’d imagine they’d answer soccer with little hesitation. And my love for this sport was found almost comically, because I grew up in a traditional Hoosier farm town where football and basketball were king. But football, being a fall sport like soccer, was an expensive venture, so my parents decided I should try the cheaper alternative instead. Turns out, I was really good at it. A natural almost. In fact, one of my earliest memories of playing soccer was having a coach tell me to only use my right foot like everyone else in swarm league because dribbling the ball with my left let me separate from the crowd of players and score many times. And some of my fondest memories from my middle school years revolve around playing soccer. It was something I could be recognized for and made me more than just “that smart kid”. Because honestly, I sometimes hated the fact that I was so much smarter than kids my age. They gave me weird looks because I knew all the answers and probably showed them up in class on numerous occasions. But soccer, soccer allowed me to be “one of the guys”. Let me belong. Let me put my knowledge of the game to use for the benefit of my teammates. And as my skill developed on the field, so did my involvement off it. In high school I started watching professional soccer in earnest and even began refereeing on occasion. My biggest regret when it comes to pursuing my love of soccer is that I never made an effort to play competitively in college, a decision that still haunts me today. In some ways, I wonder how different I would have been as a person had I made that leap of faith and invested in that opportunity. But my passion has persisted and grown as the years went on, giving me a place within a world I didn’t always understand.

 

Third Decade: Community

When it comes to the scale of introversion, you’d find me somewhere on the anti-social hermit end. Well, at least that’s where I’d be if I choose my spot, but mostly out of personal jest. Because if my readers might remember, being social is something that is not a natural skill for me. People both fascinate and frustrate me to no end. In an average social situation, I’m prone to observe rather than interact, even more so if it’s unfamiliar territory or with a large number of strangers. That said, it takes me awhile to “warm up” to people. So while finding a place in society through soccer as the foundation of my social interaction (outside of church and school) during my second decade of life, I struggled greatly to find a foundation during the earlier years of my third decade. College was turbulent, but I managed to find a small group of people who accepted me. But after college, I lost a lot of social motivation and entered my “hermit stage”. It took me a couple years to overcome these tendencies, largely through personal discovery and healing of old wounds. So I tried to put myself into situations that would force me to get to know people and expose myself to social environments. I also struggled to find an identity as a member of society, as a steady job wasn’t forthcoming. After school, I wasn’t sure what I would do and what I thought I wanted to do wasn’t working out at the time. My breakthrough, oddly enough, didn’t come through a social opportunity, but through a personal understanding. Before I could find my place in society, I had to find myself. It might sound cheesy, but I studied mental patterns, cognitive functions, personality theories, and sociology to better understand why I operated the way I did within society. Why I chose to stand in the corner rather than join the circle. Why I would rather be the guy in the background making sure things ran smoothly than the one leading from the front. Perhaps the biggest piece of realization that helped me move forward was to understand that my mind how processes information prioritizes facts and rational data over emotions and personal connections. There was a brief period that I honestly thought I was broken. But once I started to understand myself and my natural patterns of thought and social cognition, I was able to approach people in a way that wasn’t nearly as awkward and blunt as I was before. And I learned to be a friend to people. To put my knowledge and talents to work for others. I became a coach for my old junior high and started reffing again for local recreational and travel leagues. I started serving in my church, putting my natural desire to work in the background towards a noble purpose. And I took steps to realize my dream of becoming a teacher and got back into the classroom as a sub. And last and perhaps the most important, I joined a couple different groups of young adults who desired community just as much as I did. It’s amazing how friendships can start when perfect strangers all wish to have others to do life together with. And while I’m not someone who compulsively feels the need to have many close personal connections with others, I found that deep within these relationships were greatly important to my development and purpose in life. So despite myself and certain sociopath tendencies, I not only wanted to create these relationships but I wanted to make sure others didn’t have to struggle as hard as I did to find them or arrive at a place where they realized how lonely life would be without them. And going forward, I hope that the communities I’ve found will continue to grow and mature and become something truly impactful on the lives of everyone involved.

 

Three decades, three core components. And looking back, I can see how one decade has helped support those that followed. I can only hope that this trend continues rather than a collapse after an imbalance arises from mismatching interests or pursuits. For now, I’m content to look ahead with anticipation of what the future holds and acceptance of the lessons my past has taught me. And since this new decade might be the best one yet, I invite you, dear readers, to join me as I continue to discover what this journey known as life might entail.

 

 

S.D.G.

This is for Everyone I Call(ed) “Friend”

To All Those Friends I Left Behind or Lost Touch With:

I’m sorry. Really, I am. And honestly, I miss you. I always valued our friendship, even if I was never able to put it into words. Now I cannot be sure if life just drew us apart or if I pushed you away or if we just kinda stopped hanging out but whatever the cause I won’t forget about you. And who knows, maybe someday soon I’ll reach out. But if you ever do think of me, my door (and inbox) is always open.

 

To All Those Friends Who Survived The Years:

Thank you. It is because of you I still have friends. If I were left to my own devices, I’d probably be a hermit living in a self-sustaining environment with modern commodities. But you welcomed me back, even after years apart, because you took the time to get to know me. I know I always have a listening ear available and do not be surprised if I make use of that aspect of our friendship at random times. You are the community I needed when I was at my worst and because of you I was able to survive the ups and downs of my adult life thus far. I probably won’t say “thank you” to you in person, but a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think about it.

 

To The Friends That Raised Me:

Or in other words, my family. You were the greatest human force of change and formation in my life. Because of the lessons you taught me throughout the years, I am who I am now. You are privilege to my idiosyncrasies like no other, and more often than not you’ll know what I’m thinking before I can put it into words. And more often than not, I won’t have to because you already know how I feel. You have been a massive blessing and I hope I can (and did) return the favor.

 

To The Friends Who Are More Like Acquaintances:

I hate you. And I love you. And most of the time, I think it’s both at the same time. Seriously, I’m not really sure if I put more effort into getting to know you by spending time together or just let you disappear into the Twilight Zone of acquaintances. I might say I don’t care how long it takes you to answer if I text you, but it sure as hell bothers me when you only decide to answer one text, and not the rest, or (worse yet!) when you only answer that one message that wasn’t even a question. It wrecks my brain conceptualizing all of the possibilities of whether or not you are ignoring me, are just busy, or forgot to reply. Or worse, that I’m annoying you! The uncertainty about our friendship drives me crazy, and this can lead me to do some really stupid things because, let’s face it, when my emotions take the reins dumb %#!& happens. Just tell me if I’m worthy of being your friend, it’s really all I want (and need) to know.

 

To My Gamer Buddies and Facebook Friends:

You are a special breed, truly you are. Though our interactions may have been purely across the internet, and we probably never met in person, you respected me for who I was and never thought to point out what I wasn’t. I cherish the voice chats and instant messages leading late into the night. I remember the secrets I felt I could tell you when I had no other person in my social circle I felt I could tell. I remember how our relationship was built on a common interest and basically founded on having fun together, making me feel less stressed about trying to be friendly. Because of you, I realized much about myself, even when I wasn’t looking for answers about who I was and what I was capable of. You trusted me to lead when I was only doing what came naturally and you understood when I couldn’t be there because real life beckoned. I never once considered our friendship invalid because we weren’t able to meet physically, not once.

 

To The Friend I Have Not Yet Made:

You will make me laugh and at least once you’ll probably see me cry. I’ll probably talk about soccer at least once every time we see each other and I might even let you convince me I’m wrong about something ever once and a while. You will learn I’m a total dork, a clown, a nerd, a punk, a scholar, and a gentleman; but most of all, you will learn I would defend you to my last ounce of strength. You might discover I can bake a mean batch of cookies or that I know way too many random facts of trivia or that I’m so competitive I might lose on purpose to preserve our friendship. And most of all, I hope you learn that despite my calm exterior and nonchalant behavior, I constantly wonder what I did to make you like me and there isn’t a day coming when I won’t value you more highly than I do myself.

 

 

S.D.G.

 

 

Taking a Chance and Doubling Down…

Well I’m about to cheat my usual pattern and combine my end-of-the-year post with a little triage about getting older. If, for some reason, you came across this blog of mine through some other means than my Facebook page, it is worth mentioning that I am celebrating my 28th birthday today. And by celebrating I mean I went to work and watched soccer and ate dinner at my parents, which is basically the same thing I have done for the past couple years. Honestly, I never really cared much for a large celebration or party. This sentiment goes back to my position on socializing (refer to An Introspective Reflection and A Retrospective Inflection, as well as this post here, which might be helpful in understanding some of the topics to follow). However, in my ever waning efforts to provide some sort of progress in my writing frequency, and in honor of my double-down birthday (is that even a term? double golden sounded kinda lame), I shall list off fourteen things I have learned over the past year about myself.

#1 I’m getting old- Now I say this somewhat facetiously, as technically at 28 I have probably 2/3’s of my life still ahead of me but I’m really referring to the slow and sure loss of youthfulness. This is visually evident in my gradual loss of hair in sectors 3.8-4.2 (Men in Blazers nod). However I notice more often there are times were I just have no energy, despite wishing to be active or involved. I also notice more minor injuries and ailments, such as pulled muscles and headaches, things I would have never worried about 5 years ago. These signs of aging have prompted me to really consider what I want in my future, as being young forever does not feel like an option anymore.

#2 I’m still not a socialite- But believe me, there were times I really, really wanted to try. I made efforts to get more involved in my church, serving in the children’s ministry and on the setup crew. I joined a new small group and maintained a steady attendance in my young adults group. Yet I still never really became a social person. Even attempting to put serious effort into my dating life over the summer and continuing until now has not really changed me much. I’m still just as happy to stay home and relax on the couch or at my computer. And I’m not entirely sure if this is because people are just too complicated sometimes or I just get bored with how bland the average social interaction really is.

#3 I’m 99.95% sure I’m not a INTJ anymore- That is, assuming I ever was one in the first place. However, it does seem entirely likely that an arbitrary measuring system for personalities such as the MBTI is not one of definitive certainty. I may have been the cookie cutter INTJ at one point, but in all honesty I cannot help to think I’ve always been an INTP, with some very strong J tendencies, especially in realms of life I place more importance on. But across the board I am too casual and spontaneous to truly believe myself a true INTJ. There is also an argument to be made for being an intellectual ISTP, but I feel like I am more driven by competition than I am by wanting to be physically active.

#4 I’m kinda burnt out on weddings and engagements- Now don’t get me wrong, I’m still very happy for my friends and family that get engaged and then married, marriage is a good thing and even a Godly thing. But these sorts of events require time, energy, and resources, all things I have other uses for. Not to mention the general large crowd of people I vaguely know and have little interest in interacting with. Most of them I will rarely interact with outside of this event, so why should I waste my energy trying now? Of course this is an entirely anti-social outlook, but one I have readily embraced as part of my particular brand of introversion. However, it does now stand to reason that I may be falling behind the ball on the whole marriage thing, despite my better efforts, which I shall talk about next…

#5 I’m really, really bad at dating- Once again, let me clarify. My problem is not getting dates, or even always having bad ones, but rather I have a hard time surviving the initial dating period on route to a sustainable relationship. And I know this isn’t due to me necessarily being a hard person to interact with, I can be very conversational and strive to be a gentleman on every date. Yet I also have a difficult time making sure I am eye-to-eye with the person I am dating on the purpose and direction, and any attempt to solidify these topics usually comes across as heavy handed and all too serious. This lack of suavity in my speech when it comes to emotional topics is a side-effect of my position as an INTP, as emotions are rarely my first influence behind my thoughts or deeds. I want to know people at a deep and personal level, and unfortunately, most people in today’s dating culture are not expecting this level of intensity. Maybe my problem is that I have a tendency to flip the traditional pattern of relationships on its head, by seeking a deep connection up front and then spending lots of time together instead of vice versa. Small talk is fine and all, but it lacks substance, and substance is what I genuinely crave.

#6 I’m a very emotional person- I just don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve like the stereotypical emotional person. Rather my emotions are a deep, dark pool within, constantly boiling in fear and rage, sadness and joy, passion and apathy. Just because I choose not to display my emotions to everyone around me does not make me less emotional, I just prefer to keep my emotions hidden from all but a select few I intimately trust.

#7 I’m hooked on podcasts- Seriously, these things are crack in audio form. With an insane wealth of variety and knowledge available in the pod-verse, it is often hard for me to limit myself on what I decide to subscribe to. I do manage to keep in to a “small” list of a couple dozen I listen to regularly, ranging from trivia to history to comedy to culture to theology. The things I have learned from podcasts alone over the past year is perhaps more relevant than anything else I have learned since completing my undergrad.

#8 I’m still really “good” at procrastinating- Something about waiting until the last minute (or hour, or day) supercharges my creative juices and I can just crank out assignments and papers. Now I will admit this strategy does not really work well for testing, as I learned when taking my insurance tests a few years ago. And it might not always produce stellar marks, but rarely do I receive a grade woefully below expectation. My level of intelligence is still above average (if not higher than most) and therefore I have been blessed with success when I put in the work, albeit last minute.

#9 I’m still absolutely in love with soccer- If there is anything that has persisted about my character since childhood, it is my love of sports, but soccer primarily. I relish watching the game at all levels, and have even gone so far as to obtain my referee license and will continue to maintain it for years to come. I also have coached at the middle school level for three years, and while it is uncertain whether I will be able to do so next fall due to student teaching, I hope to continue to coach at the advanced levels for years to come. I also was able to play in a couple leagues again this year, and boy did I love it! I might not be in the shape I was in high school, but I still read the game as well as anyone. However, my love for soccer has it’s dark side. I will intentionally turn down or reject other obligations just to do a soccer-related activity. This has always had a negative effect on my spiritual life, usually in the lack of steady attendance at my church. And it’s not that I don’t like my church, far from it, I am absolutely overjoyed to be a part of this church and its community, but rather attending a church service is yet one in a long list of social outings that I struggle to put much emphasis on…

#10 I’m slowly becoming Reformed theologically- Now some of you might be shocked by this, believe me, looking back on this past year, I was not really expecting something like this to happen. If you had asked me at the start of the year what the biggest changes in my life would be, theologically would not have been high on my list. But this journey is largely in part to the Reformed Pubcast, which I started listening to around the beginning of this year, maybe late in the year past. What initially hooked me were the five solae: sola fide (by faith alone), sola gratia (by grace alone), solus christus (through Christ alone), sola scriptura (by Scripture alone), soli deo gloria (glory to God alone). I have even considered getting the five solae tattooed on my body at some point in the near future. Interestingly enough, many of you may remember I have been signing off each post with S.D.G. for some years now, perhaps this was the very beginning of my journey into Reformed Theology. Basically, to put these five solae into a statement about the nature of my salvation I would say this: I have been saved by grace (alone) through faith (alone) for God’s glory (alone) through Christ (alone) under the authority of Scripture (alone). A statement as simple as this has not only given me assurance of my salvation but has molded the shaping of my view of God’s sovereign and perfect will. However I still struggle with calling myself a full-blown Calvinist, as I am relatively new to this. To wrap my head around every logical argument will take time, but at the very least, I would consider myself Reformed and believe in a sovereign God who choose me to be one of his children.

#11 I’m still really bad at not spending money- However, I am very happy to be “debt” free (I say this because I am still racking up student loans). I have no credit card debt, I have paid for my vehicle fully, and I now have a nice cushion of emergency savings. However my outlook on finances have always been a rather relaxed one. To say I have always trusted God to provide for my needs financially might be putting it rather casually, but simply I do not worry about having riches and wealth. My aim is to have enough to provide a comfortable live for me and mine, and the rest is to use on others. To say I enjoy being generous is putting it bluntly, because I don’t simply give away my money and possessions, but rather I enjoy not having to worry about how much I am spending to do things with friends and family. My budgeting habits are loose, but at the same time I know when to pull the proverbial plug. To be honest, my greatest weakness when it comes to spending is games. I estimate about 5% of my income is spent on new games or gaming transactions annually. This may shock many people, but when your expenses are only for one person, you have a significant amount of “fun” money. Not saying it’s something to be proud of, I’m just being honest with everyone.

#12 I’m looking forward to becoming a teacher- As some of you are aware, I began a certification program to obtain my Secondary Education license in Historical Perspectives at the end of this past summer. This is something I have been looking forward to doing for a few years and after several mishaps along the way I have now begun this transition in my life. I still enjoy working with teenagers, despite the frequent reminders of how much of a nuisance they can be sometimes. Honestly I have found I have a harder time working with younger kids, probably due to the uncorraled amounts of energy they seem to possess while lacking an ounce of rational thought. It is the desire to share my passion for history with others that has led me to this field and this passion propels me to pursue success in my studies to become a full-licensed teacher. My only fear is that I will have to leave my comfort zone here, near family and friends, to get the teaching position I desire.

#13 I’m kinda over Facebook- I have recently come to the realization that besides a few groups/pages I follow and the handiness of FB Messenger to contact people I otherwise couldn’t, I have no reason to use Facebook. It does serve as a handy platform to obtain information and link articles of interest (like this blog, when I actually write posts) but beyond that Facebook has turned into a cesspool of bad tempers, faulty opinions, political rants, and social failure. Were it less than convenient to have Facebook, I would probably go so far as to delete my profile. I’ve slowly come to realize nothing good happens on Facebook, especially after 2 am.

#14 I’m still a huge nerd/geek- Let’s be honest fellow nerds and geeks, we’re being spoiled right now. The acceptance of our culture has become more and more mainstream and hip. Heck there’s a new Star Wars movie coming out this week! The abundance of superhero, futuristic, and fantasy television shows is just another indication of our gradual takeover of popular culture. The Marvel Cinematic Universe is in full-swing and popular sci-fi series from the 80’s and 90’s are making resurgences. And one of my favorite authors (Orson Scott Card) is finishing up his latest series and, as always, it’s stellar. And I cannot wait to see how much better things will get in the future.

 

So there you have it, fourteen on the fourteenth for my twenty-eighth. Not a bad total, if I do say so myself. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a blessed New Year to all y’all!

 

S.D.G.

A Short Summer-y (and a Brief Bio)

So admittedly I have been something of a ghost this summer, or at least when it pertains to writing here. This is partially due to a lack of inspiration as well as a lack of access to a computer when inspiration did hit. So to make up for my blogging absence, I intend to not only give everyone an update on my summer adventures but also a sneak peek into a post I will be making for an online class’ discussion board.

So let’s see, my summer started with soccer, as every summer should. I got my Grade 8 Referee License in the spring so I spent my weekends at the athletic complex in town making some spending money. I also coached a U10 Boys team for the local rec league and we were the regular season champions, however we lost 2-1 in the playoffs to the only team that held us to 1 goal in a regular season game. And then was the Women’s World Cup. Let’s just say I was in heaven for those few weeks, and got to watch the picture perfect ending with the USWNT taking home the trophy on an extremely convincing win.

Next, I had plenty of time to be with family, which usually means plenty of good food (and Mountain Dew!), lots of games, and good conversation. I got to see all of my “Arizona” cousins, which can be a rare treat, and saw another sibling married off. Being able to maintain a regular sleep schedule also helped my summer go smoothly, something I did not really have last summer.

Also, I was able to persevere through several obstacles to entering a Transition to Teaching program to get my Secondary Education License for Historical Perspectives (so I can teach middle/high school history). These online classes (which started at the end of last month) will take roughly 16 months to complete (with a break during next summer) and will compound on my already rapidly filling schedule.

So there is my summer(y). However I also promised a transcript from my biography post for my online class so here goes:

“Greetings fellow cohort-ians! I hail from Warsaw, Indiana (the Orthopedic Capital of the world) where I currently share a house with my cousin and a friend of his from college. However, while I may appear to live a bachelor’s life, I am not currently single, as I started dating someone earlier this year. As the second oldest of eight children, the importance of family has had a large impact on my life and I look forward to the day I can start one of my own. If I had to choose three words to describe me I would turn to what my friends have used in the past and those would be witty, athletic, and genuine.

Trying to cover everything about my interests, hobbies, and favorite things might prove hard to do but I will attempt to be thorough. My favorite color is navy blue; I cannot claim one specific movie as my favorite but I do love sci-fi, comedy, and action movies quite a bit; my favorite type of food and dessert are pasta and cheesecake, respectively; my favorite restaurant is Fazoli’s; my favorite genre of music is pop punk; my favorite book is probably Ender’s Game; my favorite Scripture passage is Romans 7:15-20; and my favorite place to travel is a family camp in Michigan called Little Eden, where my family goes every year for vacation. My interests include soccer (among other sports), probable fiction, basic computer code and programming, and writing. My hobbies also include playing games with family and friends, coaching, and participating in church outreach. If I had a free hour, I would probably watch an episode of a TV show or a replay of a soccer game. With a free day, I like to spend time with friends or find a new book to read. With a free week, I would do the above as well as try to take a trip to see a historical landmark or museum. I do not currently own any pets but I am a sucker for cats and larger dogs.

My faith has been a fundamental part of my identity, as I am from a strong Christian family with a long Mennonite tradition. However I did not start my personal walk with Christ until after I had it out with God over the death of one of my siblings when I was in my late elementary years. This tragedy forced me to confront my views on religion, faith, and personal belief. Thankfully, God is infinitely patient and welcomed me back with open arms. The decade and a half since then I have grown in ways I could not have imagined back then. I currently attend a church that has a strong focus on community outreach and congregation relationships, two things I have a great desire to be a part of.

I hope this wall of text was not overwhelming for anyone but once I get going it can be hard for me to switch off. I look forward to reading everyone else’s bios as well as replying to your comments and questions. Cheers!”

There it is folks, hope this makes up for my failure to maintain any sort of regular schedule for blog posts. It is my hope to at least post something every other week during the next few months, if nothing else to just reflect on my thoughts of the soccer season (as I am also coaching the Jr High team again at my high school alma mater), my online classes, and (hopefully) my romantic endeavors.

S.D.G.

A Touch of the Divine, A Taste of the Dastardly

There is a choice we all must make, one not easy nor simple. It often forces us to pit ourselves against that which defines us the most. Yet without a decision, we wander aimless through this forsaken plane…

Well then, now that I have your attention, I’m actually going to revert to a reflection on why I chose the title I did. It is, in fact, a summary of my past year. For I have been blessed in ways only God could have managed and faced off with situations that left a horrid after-taste. In fact, I’d go so far as to say my 2014 experience began and ended on sore notes, not really the way a year is supposed to. But who am I to judge what I deserve in this life?

So how do I chose to divide this year’s summation? Perhaps by simpler categories, such as physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So here goes:

Physically:

I made a conscious effort to get out more and take opportunities to be more active this past year. This involved not only getting back into playing Ultimate Frisbee on a weekly basis but also joining a couple different teams to play soccer in the local recreation league during the warmer months. I also continued my role as a Jr. High school coach for my high school alma mater in the fall and desire to do it again this year. However the common tendency of mine to avoid gyms (for introverted reasons and lack of motivation) during the colder months means my activity levels are slipping to near hibernation levels. Hopefully I will find my way to some pickup indoor soccer before warmer weather begins so I am in better shape for the summer season than in years past.

Emotionally:

Now this category is hard for me to discuss, largely because I am not an emotional person to begin with. However I can try to divide this into slightly simpler sections and divulge how each has unraveled over the past year. First I would like to start with the mental aspect of my emotions. My mental state has, as a whole, been significantly more stable over the past year than years prior, something I attribute to consistent full-time employment, a simple and efficient living arrangement and the inclusion into new and beneficial social circles. While I was not without my lapses into the irate or insane, these were mostly responses to a difficult situation and not a permanent funk. Second I would like to examine the inter-personal aspect of my emotions, or how I responded to events involving others around me. There were several couples within my circle of friends that had their first child this past year and while I was happy they are establishing families, I often had a twinge of solitude because I knew  this also meant my already small social circle would become significantly less involved. However I was blessed with new friends and rediscovered a couple old ones throughout the year. Yet the year ended on a sore note as shortly after the annual Christmas celebrations had ended, my father was rushed to the hospital with extreme pain in his right leg. I was able to visit him a couple days later before he was released to go home but it was still hard for me to witness him in that state, lying on a hospital bed. Here lay the man I often thought unbreakable growing up, yet at 55 he was bedridden by a pain that wrecked his body to the point of exhaustion. This mental image still haunts me days later…

Finally I must rant about the relational (romantic) aspect of my emotions. Now I readily admit this section may be heavily influenced by my present singleness and the lack of any measure of success on my part in the romantic sector over the past year. Just to name a few events (in no particular order): had a second chance with a girl I wronged and probably fucked it up again as she just shut me out after a couple months of tentative friendship, got friend-zoned at least once, had the girl who broke my heart a few years back message me with an apology I never thought I wanted to hear, finally apologized to my high school sweetheart with whom I unceremoniously ended things because I wasn’t ready for the responsibilities a serious relationship led to, and got stood up by a date I met online (yeah, probably not the best place to be looking but, you know, single-guy problems). So yeah, despite almost everyone around my age in my immediate and extended family having been married or gotten engaged by now, I’m still (and perhaps hopelessly) single. Which leads me to wonder, am I really that bad at relationships or am not worthy of one? I know I can be a hard person to get to know, given that I tend to avoid emotional responses and cannot for the life of me put my emotions into speech and therefore act based on a logical progression of idealistic thoughts. Or maybe it is my rather unconventional ideal of romantic relationships and their progression, something I may detail in the future. But here is what I have going for me: I can cook, clean, perform basic auto-maintenance, have a fair understanding of financial responsibility, know how to care for a family (you learn things as an elder child in a large family), have a clean criminal and driving record, am athletic, smart, usually funny, and my worst addiction [sic] is Mountain Dew. I don’t know about everyone, but that pedigree seems pretty well-rounded and even desirable. Yet it would seem that my obstinate view of social conventions combined with my introverted tendencies make me unsuitable for any sort of romantic relationship. So I guess we shall see if the Sun only sets to rise later on or if I must continue to watch the Moon as a reminder of my solitary status.

Spiritually:

This category is perhaps the most improved as well as the bleakest, as I have hit tremendous highs in my spiritual walk as well as dug myself to terrible lows. Perhaps one of the greatest accomplishments (or gains, depending on who’s keeping score) is my involvement in a study on the meaning of Biblical Manhood. While I happened to be the only single (and I believe the youngest) man of the group, I learned significant things about myself, my heritage, and my role as a man. I overcame wounds of my upbringing, established my desired path as a masculine leader, and rekindled the connection with my Eternal Father I had let slide in months before. However the Enemy strikes when we are at our brightest and I fell victim to my passions of game and sport, sacrificing fellowship with believers for the dim glow of a TV screen as I reveled in the competitive football of Barclay’s Premier League and EUFA Championship. Slowly in recent months I have drawn the line between necessity and privilege and am endeavoring to maintain a balance I can be without guilt. I have also grown as I have volunteered my knowledge with the men at my place of employment during our weekly devotions. When I am in “educator” mode, I tend to out-perform my intentions and overcome the limitations of my usual introversion. It is almost as if having a message to deliver gives me an unusual sense of purpose and social presence. It is because of times like these I wonder if I would be better suited for a profession involving instruction or education, despite my usual aversion towards public speaking.

In conclusion, if I had to put a value on the quality of my past year, it would be better than the year before but still a part of an ongoing process of improvement. As I told my dad during my hospital visit, these past couple years have been good but there are moments within them I would be glad to forget, usually memories marred by my own stupidity or social awkwardness. But if I look back on my previous reflections from the beginning of last year (see A Retrospective Inflection and An Introspective Reflection) I would say I did accomplish what I said I wanted to. Perhaps not to a point of lasting results but definitely in ways I can reflect on and appreciate. So if I had to choose a resolution for this year, it would be to continue moving forward and not take anything for granted, for only God knows what the future may hold. Yet I will maintain my belief that things can, and will, be better if I set my eyes on Him, and place my feet where He leads.

S.D.G.

Whispered Confessions on the Winds of Change

Fall has always been my favorite season and for many reasons. First, humidity dies out and the mosquito population with it. Second, I have legitimate reason to wear my hoodies again. Third, it signals the transition to winter with the beautiful browns, radiant reds, and ornamental oranges falling from the abundance of trees. And finally, fall is the season for soccer!

Soccer has been a passion, nay an obsession, ever since I began playing at a young age. Having played all through grade school, into high school, sporadically in college (one of my biggest regrets in life was never playing inter-collegiate soccer), and even now in adult recreational leagues, I have made it a point to participate in soccer in some form. I have also taken a coaching role at my old high school for the Jr High squad and thoroughly enjoy it. One of the next steps in my pursuit in my love of the game is to obtain my referee’s license over the winter months. Despite the fall soccer season nearing it’s end, I have plenty of soccer related ventures planned. Not only do I religiously (literally, I have intentionally skipped church to watch matches, yeah I know, probably not the best habit to form) follow the EPL (English Premier League) and MLS (Major League Soccer) but I also keep tabs on international matches and inter-league tournaments such as the CONCAF Champions (Google it) and EUFA Champions Leagues. I’m even going to see a Semi-Professional match in the next couple weeks. So where am I going with this? Good question and here’s what I got…

The busier I get, the less melancholy I find myself to be. Yet as my responsibilities for the present will soon become less as soccer seasons draw to a close, both as a coach and a player, I will now have extra free time. “Free Time” for me often becomes periods of unproductive-ness, leaving me feel as though I am accomplishing nothing. However this time is never “wasted” as I can easily fill it with various forms of entertainment, what really bothers me is the solitude it often leads to. As I slowly approach the turning of a new page in my life, that being the re-education necessary to obtain my teacher’s license, I feel the need to come clean.

Over the summer, I have developed a couple destructive tendencies. First, the excessive busy-ness brought about by multiple work and personal responsibilities; and second, the elevation of my love for soccer above the spiritual well-being of my person. Let me address my tendency to take on more responsibilities than are likely healthy. I am, by default, a challenge-seeker. I am more motivated to succeed the higher the stakes and often draw from my competitive nature to push myself to overcome obstacles. I have a mindset to pursue responsibility in order to avoid mediocrity and in doing so only bring about a swelling tension between my will to achieve and my contentment with my life. If you were to ask me what my primary goal(s) in life is I would answer as such: to live simply and contentedly, owing no debts, and loving all who cross my path. Yet I find myself lapsing into stages of melancholy if I am not constantly engaged, and it leads me to wonder if this is the result of having little purpose behind my actions beyond just following through on the responsibilities I have procured.

I am a little ashamed to say I have recently been putting my love of soccer above my need for spiritual enrichment. Examples include skipping church to watch EPL matches, skipping my men’s group to play matches for the recreational league I’m in, and studying team tactics for soccer over reading my Bible. It is fairly easy to admit at this point that much of my self-worth coming from the enjoyment I pull from my soccer-related activities and less from my relationship with my Creator. Yet here I am addressing it, intentionally drawing it into the light were I face ridicule and criticism. Do I fear the result? Perhaps a little, but what I fear more is the depression that partners with keeping it all contained inside. So I readily accept my fate as a “bad” Christian, but all the more do I commit myself to another challenge: to find a way to reconcile my passion for the game with my relationship to my Savior and the place in the community around me. I guess what I truly need is less responsibility and more in-my-face encounters with my faith, for it is a challenge I will rise to the occasion to complete…

 

S.D.G.