Tag Archives: God

Surviving the Soreness of the Soul

There is an indication our body gives when we stretch its capabilities and test its limits. We generally call this “being sore”. And today, on my last free day in my otherwise busy schedule for the next three weeks, I realized this soreness is not limited to our physical bodies alone.

 

It is easy to get so caught up in life’s busy-ness that we never take a moment to sit down and consider what has been happening to us and within us. While I did not necessarily plan for this to happen, I had several days off last week from subbing and I took the opportunity to rest, reflect, and read; all things I haven’t done much of for some time. Granted, one could argue that my last four posts were all reflections, but those were merely trivial compared to the introspective soul-searching I’ve done over the past few days. This internal pilgrimage had me revisiting many of the lessons God has taught me over the past year, facing old temptations, and anchoring new knowledge to a more secure place in my life. And as I wandered through this mental landscape, I felt a heaviness deep within, one not of sorrow or pain, but of exhaustion. I had become spiritually sore, having stretched and spurred my soul to grow in ways only God could have planned, and now I finally feel the aches of this maturity. Yet it is a weight I gladly bear, for I know the fruits of this labor are eternal and good, but must also be guarded and tended to like precious life on a barren wasteland.

 

As much as I would like to divulge every detail of my journey over the past year, I am still not yet finished with my journey of self-reflection and therefore cannot begin to highlight the stops and strongholds that littered this winding path. There is much uncertainty beyond the horizon and yet I feel a fierce dedication to what lies beneath the setting sun, knowing that each new day is an opportunity for growth: physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. And I readily welcome any traveler of this mortal plane who wishes to come alongside me and share their story to do so, as a life of experience has taught me that good company makes even the roughest road a smoother ride. And remember, the aches of life, whether physical, spiritual, emotional, or mental, are not merely times of unnecessary suffering but rather a sign of growth to come and maturity through experience waiting to happen. Cheers and God bless friends.

 

 

S.D.G.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Musings of a Meek Maniac

First Reflections of a Bewildered Temp

So it’s that time folks, venting time. Okay, I kid (somewhat), my first week as a temporary sub wasn’t THAT bad. The teacher I’m covering for is VERY organized and has numerous lesson plans for every lesson of every unit. So the content worries I had (being a history teacher trying to teach science) were slightly lessened. On the other hand, some of the students I have are considerably difficult but I’ll get to some of those stories soon. I actually chronicled my thoughts on each day so below is a relatively unabridged version of those reflections.

Day 1-

Honestly, today went better than I thought it would. The first day with a new teacher always seems to bring out the worst in some students, but I only ended up sending just one student to the office. I later learned said student has ADHD, which would explain the randomness of his actions, but I still wanted to set a precedent that goofing off would not be tolerated. I decided to have all of the 7th grade Science classes write down a question they’d like me to ask, so that they could get to know me a little better. After all, they’re stuck with me for the next four weeks. The Math Labs (remedial classes) are pretty easy, since I’m basically just a glorified babysit and don’t really teach much of anything. However, because this is a remedial class, it means many of the students have learning disabilities and/or attitude problems. The Project Lead The Way (PLTW) class is basically an intro to engineering and 3D modeling class and, since they’ve been at it for 7 weeks, they are pretty much teaching themselves at this point. The Science classes do prove a bit unruly and science isn’t my favorite subject nor my best, it’ll take some time to build confidence and for the students to get used to my personal teaching style. But once that happens, I’m pretty excited to “science the shit” out of the next couple weeks haha.

Day 2-

Today was pretty chaotic still as I’m learning about the students and their personalities. I managed to avoid sending any students to the office, but I probably have ISTEP testing to take for that more than an improvement in student behavior. I’m slowly developing a rhythm for my day as I’m figuring out my lessons and planning out instruction to occupy them. However I must admit my mind is drifting elsewhere throughout the day as I’m meeting a friend tonight for an important conversation. Thankful ISTEP allowed the day to go pretty smoothly as the number of students in each class was significantly smaller, so being slightly distracted by the evening’s anticipation did not detract much from my instruction. Probably the most exciting thing that happened today at school was learning how to write up discipline reports. Which actually came in handy, since I found out the student I told to go to the office didn’t actually go to the office but instead hid in the bathroom for the entire period. The experience of writing him up for this was kinda important if I want to establish the fact that I desire to be stern in my disciplinary style and maintain consistency across all my classes. But at the same time, I want the students to know I do this, not because I want to make their lives miserable and ruin all their fun, but because I value their education very highly (and probably higher than they do themselves).

Day 3-

Man, today was long! It most certainly didn’t help that due to a raging storm and a ill-timed train I didn’t get much sleep last night. ISTEP is still in full-swing so students are having to adjust to shifted schedules. I had a talk with my 5th period Science class explaining that due to ISTEP I’m actually being rather lenient with them when it comes to discipline. This may prove important because there is a specific group of boys in this class who tend to lack any form of impulse control and randomly disrupt class. I don’t doubt I’ll end up sending a couple of them to the office before the end of my time here. The Jr High counselor actually stopped by the classroom, which was very encouraging for me to know I had the support of the authority figures in the main office. My first assignments are being turned in, so I now have a daily stack of grading to get through before I can leave each day. Which I don’t really mind, but it’s very odd for me to leave the school at 4:30 and it’s basically deserted. This is completely different than my experience as a student teaching. Maybe it’s just because it’s ISTEP week, but something sends up a flag in the back of my mind when most of the teachers are out of the building less than 30 minutes after the last class ends. I mean I get having social and family obligations, but leaving so soon almost feels like you’re fleeing the premises, and that brings up questions about the overall environment. These thoughts just add to all of the things I’ve been reflecting on lately, especially with everything God has been doing in my life and the people He’s using to teach me, family, friends, and now students.

Day 4-

Today did not get off to a good start, but mostly because I was almost late! I hit the snooze button on my alarm WAY too many times haha. So not only was I almost late, but my usual levels of being “slunk” (because I am not a morning person naturally) were being exceeded. This level of lethargy is usually paired with an oncoming illness but I really just think my body is trying to get caught up on the new schedule and routine. Still in ISTEP, so the students did an in-class project with a partner. Unfortunately with any group work, there’s always at least one student who just doesn’t try to help or needs to just do the project on their own. Sadly, this attitude of lack of effort isn’t just found in my science classes. I have one female student in particular that I have in three separate classes who rarely tries and has a very defeatist attitude. I ended up sending an email to the principal and Jr High counselor expressing my concerns about the apparent attitude problems in the 7th grade math lab in particular, and mentioned this female student by name as one of the worst offenders. The hardest part about doing the math labs is that I don’t actually have any say in the students’ final grade, so my ability to enforce discipline is greatly diminished. For example, I had one student spend the entire period on Google Earth and despite my frequent intervention through remotely closing his window, he’d just reopen it and continue. This is the sort of behavior in my time as a student that would have gotten students a trip to the office to meet the thick end of a paddle, but schools can’t do that anymore…

Day 5-

So I managed to nearly repeat my tardiness from yesterday, but this time it was due to a nice and long hot shower. I’m hoping I manage to arrive at school on Monday at an earlier time, because tardiness is not a habit I wish to develop, in any area of my life. I’m usually that guy who shows up five minutes before the established time. Maybe it’s just been a long week with ISTEP testing and being in a new and unfamiliar environment that’s sapping my energy levels. If I had to pick something, the only real highlight of my week is the time I spent with friends and the excellent conversations I had. Hopefully Monday is more “normal” and that this weekend proves helpful in resting my mind, body, and spirit. Which considering Major League Soccer starts this weekend, I might not do much more than watch soccer all weekend haha.

 

Well one week of being a temp in the bag, and three more to go (at least). With the end of a quarter looming ahead (next Friday), I might find myself in desperate need of carefree fun and fellowship. Considering my sister-in-law is having a birthday party next Friday, I might just get exactly that! Thanks for reading this reflection piece and have a great weekend y’all!

 

 

S.D.G.

Leave a comment

Filed under Musings of a Meek Maniac

A Touch of the Divine, A Taste of the Dastardly

There is a choice we all must make, one not easy nor simple. It often forces us to pit ourselves against that which defines us the most. Yet without a decision, we wander aimless through this forsaken plane…

Well then, now that I have your attention, I’m actually going to revert to a reflection on why I chose the title I did. It is, in fact, a summary of my past year. For I have been blessed in ways only God could have managed and faced off with situations that left a horrid after-taste. In fact, I’d go so far as to say my 2014 experience began and ended on sore notes, not really the way a year is supposed to. But who am I to judge what I deserve in this life?

So how do I chose to divide this year’s summation? Perhaps by simpler categories, such as physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So here goes:

Physically:

I made a conscious effort to get out more and take opportunities to be more active this past year. This involved not only getting back into playing Ultimate Frisbee on a weekly basis but also joining a couple different teams to play soccer in the local recreation league during the warmer months. I also continued my role as a Jr. High school coach for my high school alma mater in the fall and desire to do it again this year. However the common tendency of mine to avoid gyms (for introverted reasons and lack of motivation) during the colder months means my activity levels are slipping to near hibernation levels. Hopefully I will find my way to some pickup indoor soccer before warmer weather begins so I am in better shape for the summer season than in years past.

Emotionally:

Now this category is hard for me to discuss, largely because I am not an emotional person to begin with. However I can try to divide this into slightly simpler sections and divulge how each has unraveled over the past year. First I would like to start with the mental aspect of my emotions. My mental state has, as a whole, been significantly more stable over the past year than years prior, something I attribute to consistent full-time employment, a simple and efficient living arrangement and the inclusion into new and beneficial social circles. While I was not without my lapses into the irate or insane, these were mostly responses to a difficult situation and not a permanent funk. Second I would like to examine the inter-personal aspect of my emotions, or how I responded to events involving others around me. There were several couples within my circle of friends that had their first child this past year and while I was happy they are establishing families, I often had a twinge of solitude because I knew  this also meant my already small social circle would become significantly less involved. However I was blessed with new friends and rediscovered a couple old ones throughout the year. Yet the year ended on a sore note as shortly after the annual Christmas celebrations had ended, my father was rushed to the hospital with extreme pain in his right leg. I was able to visit him a couple days later before he was released to go home but it was still hard for me to witness him in that state, lying on a hospital bed. Here lay the man I often thought unbreakable growing up, yet at 55 he was bedridden by a pain that wrecked his body to the point of exhaustion. This mental image still haunts me days later…

Finally I must rant about the relational (romantic) aspect of my emotions. Now I readily admit this section may be heavily influenced by my present singleness and the lack of any measure of success on my part in the romantic sector over the past year. Just to name a few events (in no particular order): had a second chance with a girl I wronged and probably fucked it up again as she just shut me out after a couple months of tentative friendship, got friend-zoned at least once, had the girl who broke my heart a few years back message me with an apology I never thought I wanted to hear, finally apologized to my high school sweetheart with whom I unceremoniously ended things because I wasn’t ready for the responsibilities a serious relationship led to, and got stood up by a date I met online (yeah, probably not the best place to be looking but, you know, single-guy problems). So yeah, despite almost everyone around my age in my immediate and extended family having been married or gotten engaged by now, I’m still (and perhaps hopelessly) single. Which leads me to wonder, am I really that bad at relationships or am not worthy of one? I know I can be a hard person to get to know, given that I tend to avoid emotional responses and cannot for the life of me put my emotions into speech and therefore act based on a logical progression of idealistic thoughts. Or maybe it is my rather unconventional ideal of romantic relationships and their progression, something I may detail in the future. But here is what I have going for me: I can cook, clean, perform basic auto-maintenance, have a fair understanding of financial responsibility, know how to care for a family (you learn things as an elder child in a large family), have a clean criminal and driving record, am athletic, smart, usually funny, and my worst addiction [sic] is Mountain Dew. I don’t know about everyone, but that pedigree seems pretty well-rounded and even desirable. Yet it would seem that my obstinate view of social conventions combined with my introverted tendencies make me unsuitable for any sort of romantic relationship. So I guess we shall see if the Sun only sets to rise later on or if I must continue to watch the Moon as a reminder of my solitary status.

Spiritually:

This category is perhaps the most improved as well as the bleakest, as I have hit tremendous highs in my spiritual walk as well as dug myself to terrible lows. Perhaps one of the greatest accomplishments (or gains, depending on who’s keeping score) is my involvement in a study on the meaning of Biblical Manhood. While I happened to be the only single (and I believe the youngest) man of the group, I learned significant things about myself, my heritage, and my role as a man. I overcame wounds of my upbringing, established my desired path as a masculine leader, and rekindled the connection with my Eternal Father I had let slide in months before. However the Enemy strikes when we are at our brightest and I fell victim to my passions of game and sport, sacrificing fellowship with believers for the dim glow of a TV screen as I reveled in the competitive football of Barclay’s Premier League and EUFA Championship. Slowly in recent months I have drawn the line between necessity and privilege and am endeavoring to maintain a balance I can be without guilt. I have also grown as I have volunteered my knowledge with the men at my place of employment during our weekly devotions. When I am in “educator” mode, I tend to out-perform my intentions and overcome the limitations of my usual introversion. It is almost as if having a message to deliver gives me an unusual sense of purpose and social presence. It is because of times like these I wonder if I would be better suited for a profession involving instruction or education, despite my usual aversion towards public speaking.

In conclusion, if I had to put a value on the quality of my past year, it would be better than the year before but still a part of an ongoing process of improvement. As I told my dad during my hospital visit, these past couple years have been good but there are moments within them I would be glad to forget, usually memories marred by my own stupidity or social awkwardness. But if I look back on my previous reflections from the beginning of last year (see A Retrospective Inflection and An Introspective Reflection) I would say I did accomplish what I said I wanted to. Perhaps not to a point of lasting results but definitely in ways I can reflect on and appreciate. So if I had to choose a resolution for this year, it would be to continue moving forward and not take anything for granted, for only God knows what the future may hold. Yet I will maintain my belief that things can, and will, be better if I set my eyes on Him, and place my feet where He leads.

S.D.G.

Leave a comment

Filed under Musings of a Meek Maniac

“Live. Love.” ain’t no Thing…

As I sat inside a small booth staring at the rain come down this afternoon, my mind turned to the phrase “Live. Love.”   I pondered the simplicity of this phrase and soon found myself dissecting it to a deeper level.  What did it mean to me as a Christian?

Live

We have but one life, and we aim to live it to the fullest.  A life lived is a good one, and a life lived for others is a great one.  We are called by Christ to live for Him, to follow in His footsteps, and to give of ourselves to others.  To give life is to live it, and to live life means we have much to give.

Love

There is but one commandment in the New Testament, albeit in two parts.  Simply put “Love God, and love others.”  How dreadfully simple this commandment is yet how horribly we fail to keep it.  It becomes all too easy to put ourselves first and let others fall to the side.  Yet when we find ourselves compelled to pursue a genuine relationship with another, there is a wondrous transformation that takes place.  We have this inexplicable desire to please them, to make them smile, to increase their comfort.  Yet how can we do this without rejecting our primary commandment?  This is the realization I came to after some time of contemplation, in picture form!

Do you see what I mean, how I came to this conclusion?  Once you’ve found that significant other, the one who means the world to you, it is only natural you focus your attention on them above all others.  Yet it is through them that we are to be drawn into a greater communion with God. As husbands, we are also told to put our spouses first at the cost of our other interests, loving them and protecting them.  As wives, we are told to support our husbands at the cost of our emotions and strength, loving them and enabling them.  This does not remove others from the picture, it just places them on a more equal standing with the self.  To love another as one’s self is no easy task because it requires us to sacrifice a piece of ourselves in order to give to that person. Love isn’t something we divide between things, it’s something we add into the equation, multiplying life’s joy.

And Then?

We are not called to be timid, calm creatures, mindlessly wandering with the herd.  No, we are commanded to go out and testify to the glory of our Savior!  If Christ gave all of himself to win our freedom, how much more should we be giving to show that to others?  My pastor always ends our service with a single phrase containing more than your average dose of theology: “Go out, be well, be wise, and do good work.”  However an explanation can wait til another time.  As a Christian we roar our life story for all to hear, not scream it in someone’s ear.  When the time comes, a soft-spoken conversation does more good for God’s Kingdom than a televised sermon preaching fire and brimstone and damnation.

So now what?  Can I stand by the phrase “Live. Love. Loud.”?  Maybe… But what I do know is that every day I try my hardest, and that is more than expected.  For this I know, in this I have confidence, and by this I will stand.

1 Comment

Filed under Musings of a Meek Maniac