A War of the Mind

For those who know me, saying I am an intellectual person is like calling the kettle black. However, I am willing to admit I am even more so a cerebral person. I really can’t pinpoint the transition from emotion to intelligence but I wager it happened sometime early into my college years. A couple months into my freshman year, my grandfather on my dad’s side passed away unexpectedly due to a heart attack. The following depression could have been the beginning of my emotional escapism.

Perhaps one of the hardest things about being cerebral is I fail to understand how my emotional state (or lack thereof) is perceived by those around me. For I have a greater fear of my internal perception of how others view me than of what that actually is. For it is the unknown that I fear more than what I am aware of. For whatever reason, this fear of the unknown has lead to my reluctance to approach others, despite my desire to be included. For it is easier to observe, analyse, and predict.

The analytical side of my person thrives on knowledge, as trivial as it may be. Input data, store memory, identify patterns, and predict actions. Despite all else, I desire understanding and that which confounds me the most is the frail state of the human emotional psyche. This drive, paired with an incredibly awkward social presence, leads to many a misunderstanding with friends and acquaintances. For while I have every good intention, my actions cannot always convene that which I feel. This failure to translate has led to rifts between me and those with whom I would desire a relationship, often irreparably so.

So this battle of mind over matter is not one I am truly adept at, for the mind is fickle and the heart is cold. Naturally my forte is intellectual and engaging me requires some level of shared knowledge or interest. However once the initial barrier is breached, the war to conquer my fear of the unknown can slowly be won. Let the lesson be learned and the walls of emotion be erected to reinforce the stronghold of intellect I have so firmly rooted my identity.

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Filed under Musings of a Meek Maniac

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