Welcome to the second part of my literary duo, and perhaps the most telling of the two. If all goes as intended this will be perhaps the most revealing piece of documentation of how I see myself I have ever written. And for those unfamiliar to my style of writing, prepare yourself for a long-winded rant full of double-talk and innuendo.
Let me begin by saying I am a man of paradox. This is usually due to my actions and desires co-existing in opposing fields, thus cancelling each other out and leaving me stuck in the middle, having achieved nothing. Perhaps the most irritating part of this bipolarity is how comfortable I have become with it. Considering this is the time of year people make themselves promises most rarely follow through on, I may have more to say on this subject in my conclusion.
First off, I value three things above all else, my faith, my family and friends (for my closest friends are like family to me), and fun. Without any of these three, I have a hard time truly believing I would be who I am today, or even where I am today (as opposed to six feet under). In the first part of this literary pairing, I admitted to my sorted history with the Creator. Yet despite all my failings and rebellion, He always remained where I always landed: at rock bottom. From this point I have rebuilt myself time and time again, often failing, sometimes crumbling, but never once has the foundation faltered. I have come to view my faith as a tower, slowly being built as the bricks of believe are laid row by row. And if my faith should falter, and a row collapse, it only makes the previous layers stronger as the pressure weighing them down has solidified their position. A moral cement working between these bricks is the bond I share with family and friend. It is due to my upbringing and my supporters that each brick I lay has the ability to remain steady. Had I a different set of parents or ended up with a different set of friends, my tower of faith would be significantly weaker. However, this painstaking labor has not been dull, for I enjoy life too much. Fun, perhaps, has become a secondary purpose to my life. Much I do is in the name of fun, whether it be in company or alone. And yet it serves as a facade to hide much of the inner pain I have yet to relinquish.
I once told a close friend of mine I dislike stories with tragic heroes, as I all too often emphasize with their emotions. In truth it is not the story I dislike, but the emphatic emotional response I feel. At certain points in my life, the only thing missing to make my tale a tragedy was the tangible villain. However most of this demoralizing folklore was all in my head, something I came to terms with recently. Yet the emotional toil still remains. Life has not always been kind and my eyes have the sadness to prove it. In high school I wrote poems as a means to express my emotions, now I do this…
Emotions are not something I express, at least not of the negative kind. I have witnessed much hurt, due to and causing the outpouring of negative emotion. Anger, sadness, resentment, distrust, disbelief; these are only a few of the emotions I choose to suppress as to not hinder my fellow man. Because I choose to conceal my feelings, I often come across as calm, collected, and intact. Most of the time this is true, and I wish it was always so, but there are times I wear a mask to preserve the image people would rather see. Vulnerability is not something I grew up seeing and this is a big part of why I rarely reveal my weakness. For it is not only a man’s duty to be strong in the face of adversity, but I have taken it upon myself to shoulder my burdens as if they are weightless, for if their true scope were to be known, those around me would be unable to escape the effects. I do this because with baggage comes confrontation, and I despise it.
Confrontation is something I dislike immensely, however it is not necessarily the act of confrontation I despise, for in many cases it is necessary, but rather it is what happens after confrontation. For confrontation can lead to misunderstanding and grudges, which in turn can lead to resentment and anger, and these, if left unchecked, can lead to rage and hatred. For these reasons I avoid confrontation, and only engage in such if brutal honesty and tactful directness are employed.
For I am a direct person, and respond best to it in kind. I value honesty, for I have a history of lies, and wish to leave deceit in my past. For deception is the easy way out, and I have committed to not just taking the simple path, but following the best one. When someone approaches me with a request or the like, just spit it out, don’t beat around the bush in an attempt to spare my feelings. My feelings can take it. In fact, I would rather have you hurt my feelings. This way I know your intentions are pure and your request is honest. For all too often people come to me and don’t quite speak their minds, and I can tell, and it bothers me.
My analytical mind terrifies me, yet it is something I treasure greatly. My attention to detail is keen, and I have a nearly perfect memory for spatial recognition (that is to say I rarely forget things that are somehow related to each other). If I am thankful to God for any one thing about my person above all else, it would be my intellect. I love my edge of my wit, the speed of my deductions, and the brazen directness of my thoughts. It drives me toward betterment and saves me from boredom. I am never without an incredible thought or a witty retort. And oh how I love word-play. It is a simple passion of mine and one I share freely with those around me. Some may find me odd because of it, and few might appreciate it for what it means, but those who can grasp the nature of my speech are rarely sorry and usually laughing.
My love for word-play has led me to a vast experience of story-telling and folklore. It encouraged my love of mythology and the expanse of my reading pleasures. It also drives the nature of my entertainment. I generally divide the manner and scheme of the games and videos in which I partake into three categories: strength of a story, adrenaline product through the action, and engagement of the mind. Rarely will I partake in a game that does not involve me in at least two levels, yet I have found few that capture me in all three. For those interested, keep an eye out for a top ten list of my all-time favorite video games coming sometime this month. But lately my gaming has been driven by adrenaline production as I find my life has little excitement. I could go on about this aspect of my person more, but I have a feeling this will be exposed in greater fashion later down the line.
To get the train back on the track, I must acknowledge I am a doer. Speech may be colorful and thoughts elaborate but above all else actions announce intention in volumes. For my actions are driven by intention, intention driven by desire, and desire driven by my state of mind. As I said before, at the forefront of my mind cannot be self, but must be others. Living selfishly does not truly benefit oneself, for to gain the whole world matters not if there is no one to enjoy it with. Yet this is a paradox of which I have not found the solution. There was a time, years ago, I thought I had the key. But arrogance and immaturity cost me what could have been. Now I wait, and wonder. For despite my predilection for remaining solitary, one of my greatest desires is to be included, to be wanted, even to be loved.
But I put on a tough face, shed no tears, and keep my eyes forward. Each look back is a step missed going forward, and there is only a future for me now. To those who endured my wall of text, I thank you. And as a concluding thought, consider this: this post was over three days in the making. I must admit the level of vulnerability I have expressed herein was no easy task, and yet I regret nothing, for it only scratched the surface. Finally, although I rarely do a resolution for the beginning of this year there are a few things I wish to change about who I am, so here are my resolutions for 2014:
1) Get out more (see “A Retrospective Inflection”)
2) Be more direct. This goes for speech and deed alike.
3) Never take the easy way out, struggle for what is truly worth having.
And with that I bid you fair readers, adieu!
tl;dr- I’m complicated, you should really get to know me…