I always seem to attempt a “end-of-the-year” summary or reflection, but the past couple years all I have to show is a subject line and ideas. This year I strive to fulfill this inexplicable desire to put my feelings and thoughts into word. In fact, I feel as if there is so much for me to write about, I shall endeavor to create a duo post, interlinked with each other but yet of separate thought and scheme. To begin, I shall look at what I have learned about myself as part of the global community and workforce in the context of the past year, hence a retrospective inflection…
Who I am and Who I No Longer Can Be
2013 is the year I truly said good-bye to adolescence, and accepted the responsibilities I inherit as an adult. While this transition, aye it was even a transformation, was not a perfect one and far from smooth I now look back and wonder how I had remained in my shell for so long. While 2012 was the first year I struck out into the adult populace on my own, I never truly abandoned my childish mindset, and in doing so failed to realize the tragedy of my irresponsibility. And although this paragraph tells the reader almost nothing without contextual knowledge it serves to introduce the sections to follow.
I am not a Salesman:
In January, I started a truly amazing opportunity with American Family Insurance as one of their new Agents-in-Training. I was wholly impressed by their professionalism all-throughout my tenure and for the first time, I felt as if a company finally appreciated me as an employee. This began my awakening into adulthood, as I had never before felt this level of respect and meaning as an employee. However it only took me a few months to confirm my feelings that I do not have the drive, determination, nor the heart of steel needed to truly succeed as a salesman, and decided to resign at the beginning of the summer. However I am now more aware of my strengths in the workplace because of the short-comings that were revealed during my time as an Agent-in-Training.
I am not a “Socialite”:
While anyone who knows me fairly well would consider this a fairly obvious statement, I would like to expand on how this differs from the norm of extroversion. Firstly, extroversion to me is seeking out the company of others to feel alive, energetic, and involved. Being a “socialite” takes a step back and merely encompasses being there. An extrovert goes to a party to see the people and have a good time, a “socialite” goes to a party because it is a party, and parties are usually a good time. I am neither. I am wholly content being by myself, doing whatever it is I am doing. However I am not so far departed as a lone wolf that I would resist the presence of others nor the inclusion by others. In fact, I do enjoy being around my friends, I just prefer the ratio of myself to others remain in the single digits.
I am not an Eavesdropper:
If you are talking near me in anything above a barely audible whisper, I can hear you. While I may not be making an actual effort to listen to what you are saying, my brain absorbs the information and stores it in the vast recesses of my garbled mind. For this reason, I have turned to music as a coping mechanism. By streaming the melodic strum of guitars and rhythmic beat of drums into my ears, I distract my mind from its wandering tendencies. If I am out in public and have ear buds in, it is to prevent my ears from wandering out and bringing back information I have no desire to obtain. On the bright side, this unusual ability has aided me as a listener and when engrossed in a deep, meaningful conversation with another I am able to completely absorb what is spoken.
I AM a Giver:
Nothing brings me more joy than to give when nothing was asked. Perhaps it is because I have come to view my life as a gift, one I have questioned many times in the past if I deserved to have. For if being alive is a gift, then should not living be done as if I have everything to give and nothing to lose? Since I have nothing to lose, giving what I have and am able to seems only right. My energy, attention, and intelligence are for those around me, too long have I selfishly hoarded and gloated over these assets. In 2013, I finally had the epiphany that I had it all wrong. This eureka moment occurred as I worked in an elementary as an aide for students with special needs. The extension of the quality then led me to my position with Cardinal Services as a direct support professional in the group home setting. I cannot think of a better place for me to work where I am able to serve and give to others in a meaningful way.
I AM an Individual:
Yet another “duh” statement, but I must digress. In being an individual, I am wholly individualistic. I do on my own, I think on my own, I feel on my own. This mentality aides and impairs me as a professional. It allows me to work consistently and uninterrupted on whatever task I find needing to be accomplished. However my stream-lined and methodical approach to working often impedes the flow of a changing environment and sets me at odds with my coworkers who feel pressured by these changes. I am partial to working completely alone, left to my devices, for this reason, but at the same time need the interaction with my peers to keep me planted in the here and now of my job.
I AM a Sanctified Sinner:
Throughout the years I have pondered my place in the universe and my Maker’s plan. Never have I really questioned His existence, but it also never stopped me from questioning everything else about him. In previous years I have avoided Him, denied Him, threatened Him, dared Him, and implored Him, but 2013 was the first year I felt as if I actually desired Him. The unfortunate side to this new found sense of purpose is the lose and subsequent lack of direction with which to pursue Him. I can now acknowledge this is the efforts of the opposition, the forces of darkness, however I am not completely able to fend of their temptations and continually fall short of my calling. As if forgiveness is not given freely enough, I am a soul forgiven times infinity, and infinity again. Now I am wholly aware that my own pursuit of my Maker cannot adequately grasp His nature but at the same time I struggle to connect to a group of believers (read- Church Family) with whom I can bring alongside me to strive toward the wonder of Him Who Is and Was and Will Be. So I am left at an impasse, for while I am a believer, I am solitary, not unlike a lonely monk of hermitage but of lesser wisdom and weaker morals. For it is in my lonely struggle I am strong but it has become my greatest weakness and inhibits my purpose as part of the global Christian Community.
I may have strayed from my goal to keep all material relevant to my relationship with the world around me at times but I do feel relieved that I have an outlet to these thoughts I have juggled over the past year. However the tale is only half done, and an interested reader should look forward to the alternative side of this literary duo, to be entitled “A Introspective Reflection“, in which I hope to further explore the realizations and discoveries I have made about myself as a personality and uncertainty. And as my final thought, may your year be as amazing as can be and may 2014 bring new experiences your way!
Happy New Year!